FB

I have a facebook profile. I have a very complicated and angsty relationship with any kind of virtual technology that is supposed to help connect me socially. My interactions with facebook make me feel like what I imagine smoking crack cocaine feels like. I know it's bad for me and makes me more manic, wired, tired and empty-but I can't stop myself from taking another look (3 minutes after I just looked). I think it's the little red "1" that I am looking for when I go onto my home page. I am so excited to see if anyone sent me a message, wrote on my wall or "liked" something about me. Usually I don't even look at other people's profiles. Sometimes I may "like" someone. I rarely write on someone's wall. I don't have time-in my cracked out head space to do any of that. Because if no one has liked me, or if they have, I have to check my email accounts to see if I have any emails. And if I have no emails I go right back to facebook. If I have emails, I go right back to facebook. A red "1" trumps a heartfelt message from my best friends and all of the cat pictures my mom sends me. Even as I am writing this, I am fighting the urge to open a new window-so I can check to see if I have a red "1". (FYI-I didn't). I am collecting red "1's". I forget about them as soon as I get them.
I feel like facebook is like Miracle Grow for my neurosis'. I seem to project that everyone on FB is sitting in a huge auditorium together, sharing amazing experiences, and writing about them together. I feel sad for all the parties I missed or didn't get invited to. I feel sad when I see pictures of me at parties that I not only got invited to, but attended. Its like tearing open my psychic wounds in this way that doesn't feel corporeal, but rather outside of myself. My FB connections are really, my most intensely superficial, but they often hold the most weight in my daily living.
I recently went out of the country for a bit of time. I didn't go on the internet one time during this trip. I was borderline euphoric most of the time-perhaps due to the excitement of traveling and being with my sweetie and my good friends. There was a pervasive lack of anxiety that I felt during my travels. I felt intense relief at not feeling that self-superimposed facebook rejection that I am susceptible to in my regular life.
Since I have been back I have re-integrated back into the FB world and have re-immersed with my general life anxieties. I check with myself consistently-am I mentally unstable? Am I the only person who feels this kind of virtually fragility? The majority of my clients that have talked to me about their FB experiences have related similar pains-FB induced loneliness, jealousy, addictions, etc. I talk to my friends about FB all the time and in general-most people seem to feel a sense of gain and a sense of loss in their social networking worlds. Several of my friends have told me that they have to force themselves to take breaks from their facebook activities because they are starting to feel out of control. One of my besties told me she knew she had to take a break when she found herself voyeuristically stalking heteronormative wedding photos of people she didn't know.
I don't blame facebook. I do, however, have absolute awareness that some of my innate insecurities are being activated by my relationship with FB. MySpace didn't really hook me and Friendster was mostly a vehicle for me to talk to other trans people. If I go off of facebook-how will I know what is going on in the world? How will I know what party to go to or what party I should want to go to?
Will I miss out on really important activities and relationships if I stop using facebook?
Will I stop being so neurotic? Somehow I don't think so.